Thinking about love and sex

Thinking about love and sex

* There are a number of versions of this poem with music on YouTube. Spend four minutes to listen to one of them; it’s beautiful.

That is where all love stories should start: by loving yourself. You have value, simply because you are here. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.

Only if you love yourself can you really give love to, and receive love from, another person.

Can you think of more signs by which you know someone loves you? Write them down.

Now apply it to your thoughts about yourself. Can you say, “I respect myself; I accept myself; I am kind to myself …”?

Many of us cannot. We think we don’t deserve the best, that we are stupid or useless or in some way “bad”. We think we are not as good as other people, whoever they are.

Look at a line earlier in the poem: “If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” Don’t compare. Just be yourself. “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.” Not all trees are tall, not all stars equally bright. Fruit trees do not all bear the same kind of fruit. Each one has the right to be here and to be what it is. “Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.”

But there are two things you have to ask yourself when you are on your own and can think straight:

To answer the first question, go back to the list we made above. This person makes your heart race and takes your breath away, but… do they want the best for you? Respect you? Accept you? Are they kind to you and honest with you? Do they really listen to you? Is there mutual trust?

Pay attention to red flags.

• Jealousy is not a compliment. It shows lack of trust.
• Teasing and joking can be delightful, but it should not leave you uncomfortable or hurt.
• When you’re with others, your partner should be proud of you, give you space to talk and listen to you with respect. If they use their intimate knowledge of you to sound witty and clever, hurting you in the process, that’s not on.

Relationships unfortunately often end in ugly ways. If your partner starts lying or cheating, remember one thing: you are not responsible for someone else’s choices. Lying and cheating are decisions they make. It is their business and their responsibility. You are who you are. If they don’t appreciate that, it is not your fault.

You are of course responsible for your own actions and words. When you are angry and hurt, don’t react in a way that you will regret and be ashamed of afterwards. Spend time thinking about your values, about the kind of person you want to be. Then find a person who shares those values.

You cannot change someone who cheats and lies, but you can choose a partner who does not cheat and lie.

The first time someone hurts you physically, walk away AND TELL ANOTHER PERSON WHO CAN SERVE AS A WITNESS. Do not hide. It is not you who should be ashamed. Your partner will probably come back pleading for forgiveness and promising it will never happen again. Do your utmost best not to fall for it. Go back to your “witness” and ask their advice: having seen you just after it happened, would they want to see you with this person again?

Love is shown in kindness and care, NOT in control and abuse.

Gender-based violence is unfortunately rife in South Africa. If you are attacked and hurt, remember it is not your fault. You do not have to be ashamed. You are not alone. Try and keep calm. Do not shower or bath. Get a medical examination done in case you later want to bring a case. Find help at rapecrisis.org.za.

To answer the second question, whether the relationship supports your vision for your future, you have to think about your boyfriend/girlfriend’s values, what they consider important in life, and their dreams for themselves. Do these dreams fit with yours? Long-term plans are dependent on this month and this year. If the new boyfriend has no interest in studying and you have an engineering degree as one of your goals, it won’t work, not even for six months.

The physical side

That’s great, but … handle with care. Sex is important, especially when you’re only just starting out on this road. It can have enormous emotional and physical consequences. Make sure that whatever you do is the result of a conscious decision taken when you are alone, when your head is clear, when you’re not under the spell of a kiss.

Decide for yourself what is ok and what is not, and why. If you have a friend you can trust, talk it through (seriously, not just for laughs and giggles). What are you willing to do? What are you not willing to do? What if he or she wants something you don’t?

Don’t fall for the line, “If you love me, you will do it” (whatever “it” is). No. If your partner loves YOU, he or she will not try and make you do something that makes you uncomfortable and unhappy.

Quite apart from how far you’ll go, physical intimacy should always hold to the same “rules” we talked about concerning love. It should build the relationship and bring you closer. When you look at each other tomorrow, neither of you should be angry or ashamed.

It has been said that men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love. Don’t be that guy. Don’t be that girl. Make sure that the love and the sex are part of mutual sharing and giving.

Every one of us has his or her own views and beliefs about the rights and wrongs of sex. That is up to you. But whatever you believe to be right or wrong, there are always consequences.

Unprotected sex can mean HIV or other diseases.

Unprotected sex can start a baby.

Can you live with that? Do you want to?

Guys, what will you do if your girlfriend tells you she’s pregnant?

Girls, what will you do if you find out you are pregnant? What would you want the father to do?

You do not have to face this alone. Get counselling. Phone Childline or loveLife (see box below). SADAG also has great resources, not only for depression and anxiety.

Imagine having to make a decision about an unwanted pregnancy. What will it mean to you? And to your family?

A baby will change your life forever. Do not let it happen because you were not thinking straight, or you wanted to be cool, or you did not want to lose the guy, or you wanted something to brag about. Apart from yourselves, it is completely unfair to the baby.

This is a time of intense relationships … which may not last. You are young. Things and people change. You will change. Enjoy every moment of this relationship, but don’t put your whole future on the table. You will have many more choices. Be ready for them as well.

All these organisations have centres throughout the country with very good counsellors.

Knowledge is power. Find an older person to whom you can talk openly. That could be a trained, empathetic stranger from one of the above organisations.